Swiping for Sasquatch: The Aspen Winter Ski Resort Investigation
Sarah Tonin, our resident paranormal investigator, is back with another review. This time, she's braving the slopes of the Aspen Winter Ski Resort from Lifestyle Inc in pursuit of the elusive Bigfoot. Join Sarah and Violet as they navigate a world of luxurious suites, questionable time warps, and the ever-present threat of being catfished by a yeti.
Summary
• Beautiful environments and spaces, both inside and out.
• Check-in experience was limited compared to competing winter-y resorts at similar price points
• Attentive and patient staff, but dialogue during RP experiences was sometimes impersonal
• Wide range of activities to choose from. Lots to do!
• Straightforward and professional communication throughout all parts of the experience.
• Last-minute booking of an RP activity caused scheduling hiccups.
• Recommended
From the Paranormal Investigation Files of Sarah Tonin
Nothing says “reconsider your life choices”, like nursing a sprained ankle after chasing Bigfoot around Aspen .
Dirk’s follow-up email made matters worse, with its subject line suggesting some sort of libido enhancement ad: “FWD: RE: BIGFOOT MATING SEASON!!!”
Turns out there had been unusual activity on Aspen’s local dating apps. The photos were intriguing. Blurry figures in what couldn’t possibly be ski gear. A couple’s selfie, both partners cropped out.
Moments later, and I’ve got reservations booked at a new ski resort while Violet packed up the pheromone detector. This mystery demanded our immediate attention, sprained ankle be damned.
Investigation Note: Bookings at Aspen Winter Ski Resort are made through a realistic-feeling online platform (https://lifestyleinc.wixsite.com/aspen/suites) Lifestyle’s in-world managers responded promptly to my IMs, and we were able to arrange a late check-in time with relative ease.
Check-in
(Staff member) Takara greeted us at the lodge's entrance, rocking the classic ski resort uniform: white-on-white-on-white. (Do colour wheels exist in Aspen?) You’d think our gear would raise some eyebrows – between my crutches and Violet’s emergency sushi rations, we’re as subtle as a yeti at yoga. But Takara didn’t flinch, even when the pheromone detector started sounding off.
“Here for some skiing?” She asked, before noticing the sticker on my phone case – “Cryptozoologists Do It in The Woods.” Her eyes lit up. “Oh! You might want to check out the new local dating app.” A minimal business card with nothing but a QR code and the word “Timbr” in woodsy font. “It’s pretty popular with some of our… more unique guests.”
A download later, and we’re staring at what had to be the most niche dating app ever created. The local users all appeared taller than the best basketball team. We’d hit the jackpot, in one way or another. Violet, ever the professional, immediately started on her profile. “What? It’s for science." For some reason, the judgy look I shot her didn't quite land.
Investigation Note: Check-in was no-frills, with a landing point at the ski lodge's entrance. Throughout our stay, the RP interactions with resort staff were a mix of pre-written copy-and-pasted dialogue and light banter. The former was generic and often had staff referring to us as “Guest” – this could be improved and would create a more authentic experience.
The Aspen Luxe Suite
Floor-to-ceiling windows everywhere. Like, everywhere. Straight lines. White-on-black-on-woodgrain. The Aspen Luxe Suite is a gorgeous place, easily suitable for a couple of too-close couples or a family with bad boundaries. As a remote research station it was perfect, especially once we discovered the upper balcony with its hot tub – an ideal spot from which to broadcast some mating calls.
Investigation Note: Interiors were great. Heavily customized homes, almost every surface decorated. We couldn’t stop noticing that a wall wasn’t original, that fireplace didn’t come with the build, etc. But in true zero-privacy hotel bathroom fashion, you could see the toilet from the living area with the door closed, through the glass fireplace. Whoops.
But the time… something weird was happening with time. The sun hung suspended in the sky. Eternal afternoon, casting golden light that made every moment look like it belonged in your dating app profile. Maybe that’s what luxury really is; perpetual 4 PM, your selfies always perfect. It’s where yesterday bleeds into tomorrow and every minute is an Instagram filter’s fever dream.
Investigation Note: The EEP was set for daytime only. Night settings caused the sky to look strange, but it looked great. If you’re into snowy evenings, this might not be your spot. There was also a little bit of lag that was fixed by turning down our draw distance.
We hit the hot tub and waited for Violet’s matches to come in before calling it a night. After a long travel day, there's nothing quite like settling into a fresh bed that isn't yours and power-swiping through the local dating pool.
Investigation Note: The beds were from Loft & Aria. Animations and options were tasteful, realistic, maybe a bit restrained. But we had a good time. If you prefer more elaborate (or enthusiastic) options, you might want to bring something from home.
Field Research
The following morning (or was it morning? Hard to tell) was dedicated to establishing our cover story.
Really, we were scouting out prime date locations for signs of cryptid mating activity. Rock climbing offered an impressive vantage point, roller coasters added nausea ad nauseam, and I have never won a snowball fight I didn’t start. Imagine an endless first date montage and you might be getting close.
Investigation Note: The exterior build was also top-notch. Mountains everywhere you look. Tasteful snow that didn’t clip through the walls. Buildings thoughtfully placed, but in a naturalistic way. Whoever built this thing knew what they were doing.
Less encouragingly, there was a snowmobile incident that temporarily blasted Violet into another dimension when I discovered the turbo. Turns out you still get offlines in the in-between:
Meanwhile, Violet was busy doing… research. “Just fine-tuning my profile,” she said, reading the tagline out, “Seeking tall, outdoorsy type, possibly undiscovered by science.” Right side of her thumb would’ve calloused over if not for the mittens.
Aerial Wildlife Survey
At check-in, we added on a helicopter tour of Aspen, hoping to spot some signs of ‘squatch. Unfortunately, we were left waiting on the helipad. Violet, still swiping, commented that all the profiles were of the tall, dark, and hairy sort. Could it be that bears were the dominant form of wildlife in Aspen? By now, we were worried our pilot might have had an unfortunate encounter in the woods, but after a short wait she turned up.
Investigator’s Note: We booked a helicopter tour at check-in, but apparently, there was a scheduling error on their end. It was resolved quickly after we messaged a Lifestyle manager. Mistakes happen, and this one was well-handled.
(Staff member) Lexi took us around the resort, providing snippets of historical trivia (along with all the best make out spots.) Of course, we kept the discussion centered on our research and enquired about any unusual wildlife sightings. While she acknowledged the presence of bears, she was suspiciously quiet about any more speculative species.
Still More Swiping (and Lunch)
Our lunch came with a view that almost made us forget what we were there for. Speaking of views, our server Lil was polite to a fault. In fact, everyone was. Always “Ms.” this and “Guest” that.
Between this and the Ski Resort Uniform, it felt like we were auditioning for a period drama about very polite cultists. Violet spent most of the meal focused on Timbr. Something odd: every time she found a new match, I got… distracted. Must’ve been the altitude. Still, I couldn’t help but notice she kept nudging her height preferences up.
Investigation Note: Like the rest of the spaces here, the restaurant was gorgeous. We booked lunch with a view, and recommend both. Less encouragingly, much of the RP interaction was canned copy-and-paste where we were referred to as “Guest.” It felt a little impersonal, but throughout the meal Lil rolled with some of our – okay, fine. My – weirder outbursts.
The First Date
It happened on our last day. Violet had been messaging someone called “TallDarkAndSasquatch” all morning. “Just going for a walk,” she said, suspiciously well-prepared: emergency sushi, pheromone detector, a giant net.
I followed at a distance through the snow, watching her trudge along, obsessively stopping to check Timbr at every turn. We ventured deeper, skirting the wooded edge of the property. There were footprints to follow, and they weren't small.
Violet crested an embankment and disappeared. Catching up, I found her knee-deep in swirling snow, facing an enormous creature made of dark, gesticulating fur. The pheromone detector bleated from her outstretched hand, and seemed leave our quarry unsure about whether to fight, run, or write a strongly worded email to Timbr’s customer service department.
“CAAAATFIIIIISH!” The yeti roared with wounded pride, a scream of betrayal knocking horror frost from boughs nearby. “‘AbominableViolet.’” Sighing heavily, the beast added, “I knew it was too good to be true.”
What happened next was mostly lost in a blur of snowfall and never-ending 4 PM shadows. Through the trees, I caught glimpses of steam rising off an abandoned sushi tray, furtive movement at the periphery of my vision, and heated negotiations whose contents were carried off by the wind. Some mysteries are best left in the woods where you found them.
When I came to my senses, we were stumbling back to our research base. It was still 4 PM, and Violet looked pleased with herself. Her step was lighter, and not just for lack of sushi; discovery had lent some spring to her step. But I noticed she was rubbing her neck on one side.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Pulled a muscle throwing the net,” she replied without missing a beat.
Conclusion
After spending a few days on Timbr at Aspen Winter Ski Resort, we’ve learned that cryptid mating patterns remain inscrutable despite the rise of modern dating apps. But not every investigation will lead to an earth-shattering discovery. Sometimes, you gain a little insight in exchange for your emergency sushi.
Still, the timing of this all feels a little too pat. A new dating app on the scene near the beginning of Wendigo mating season? At a place where being tall and warmly bundled reads as preparedness? It could be that Timbr isn’t a dating app infiltrated by Bigfoot but a Bigfoot app infiltrated by people.
We’ve decided to file this investigation as “Mutual Ghosting After First Date” even if that doesn’t really get to the heart of what happened in those woods. For a species that’s managed to stay hidden for centuries, sasquatch is surprisingly unsavvy about red flags on dating apps.
Booking Details
Lifestyle Inc.’s Aspen Winter Ski Resort is a closed resort, with access restricted to hotel guests. For details on how these kinds of resorts work, click here.
Bookings can be made through the website.
Rooms and chalets range in price from L$1500 to L$7500. At the time of review, the Aspen Luxe Suite was priced at L$3750 per night. RP activities can be booked as an add-on at booking or check-in.
We were told the Aspen Winter Ski Resort would be open until March.
Thank you to Sarah Tonin for this review and to Violet Voxel for supplying many of the images!
